What is confidence, really? Is it the ability to take risks? A level of trust in yourself? Security in your own self-worth? Refusal to accept less than you deserve?
For over a decade, I’ve been coaching high achievers along their journey towards inner confidence, and I can tell you that while many people seek it, only a few have actually defined it.
It’s no wonder it seems to be evasive.
Most think it’s in how they w, or talk, or act, or dress — and while those things may be an expression of confidence, they are simply that. A symbol. An appearance of something deeper.
Something deeper is the key to confidence is not about your appearance. It’s not about your facial struce, or body type, or eye color, or how lucky you got in the gene pool. “How you appear” is not the same thing as “what you look like.”
What, then, is that “something deeper” that radiates to the surface of truly confident people?
And, what’s more, why does it draw us to them so strongly?
Here are some mindsets that the most confident people share.
1: Confidence is a RESULthingsst thing first confidence is not something that simply appears out of thin air. The image of confidence can be faked, but true confidence is a result.
A result of what? You may ask…
It’s a result of building credibility with yourself over time.
Confident people feel that way because they know they’re able to perform in a certain scenario. How do they know? Because they’ve done it before many times. They’ve gone through the trials and tribulations. They’ve failed. Fixed the problems, and tried again.
They’ve shown themselves they are capable of the task and therefore approach it while being cool, calm, and collected.
It matters not how big or small the task is, as many large accomplishments started with small ones.
You cannot lose 100 pounds until you lose 5 pounds.
You cannot make a million dollars until you make a hundred.
You cannot meet your dream person until you meet a few of the wrong people.
Whether it’s getting up 5 minutes earlier the next morning, cutting out carbs, saying hello to people that make you nervous, or simply walking a little taller that day confidence builds over time through consistent action.
The more of these actions you take, and prove to yourself that you’re capable of taking, the more confidence you’ll be empowered to build.
2: Confidence is rooted in certainty.
Think about the very basis of how confidence shows up — does it stammer, or hesitate, or question itself? Quite obviously — no.
What happens when you experience the trials we discussed in point #1? Each time you succeed, you become more and more certain that you’ll succeed the next,time.
Perhaps at first it’s only one-out-of-ten attempts. But, then it becomes eight-out-of-ten…and, then, five…
Eventually as you create habits and mindsets that reinforce the new person you’ve pledged to become, you become more and more certain about your abilities, about your identity (which we will get into soon).
That level of certainty brings you to a task with a level of inner peace that says:
I know I can do this, because I’ve done it many times before.
3: Confidence is ONLY affected by what’s under YOUR control.
Lewis Hamilton is one of the most decorated (and also polarizing) Formula 1 drivers of all time. He is a 7 time world champion, knighted as a Sir, and is one (in my opinion) one of the most compassionate and philanthropic athletes alive.
He cares himself and speaks with a collected confidence, even in times of turmoil.
The 2023 F1 season has just begun, but the 2022 season was immensely difficult for Lewis. He did not win a single race all year long.
Imagine being a 7-time world champion and not winning a single race for an entire season.
Mercedes-AMG (his team) had trouble with the car from an engineering standpoint. Trouble that was outside of Lewis’ control.
The car was severely bouncing for much of the season, slowing him down and causing pain. Accidents. Tire punctures. A “Murphy’s Law” season of motorsport.
These factors, though, are unrelated to Lewis’ competency as a driver, and therefore do not affect his confidence in his abilities.
If he is at fault in a circumstance, then confidence admits its wrongdoing, pledges to learn from the mistake, and moves forward.
It does not make excuses — but it also does not allow itself to be impacted by things outside of its control, because those things are not a reflection of you, your skill, or your decisions.
Now that the 2023 season is underway, Lewis remains as confident and steadfast as ever in his team and their abilities together, because he gets to show up at his best once again, and learn from the mistakes of last year.
4: Confidence addresses problems, it doesn’t avoid them.
What if Lewis’ struggles in the 2022 season were his fault? At least, in part?
What if he was unfocused, frustrated, and made mistakes below his skill level?
That, then, is when confidence steps in and says “Hey, something is wrong here.”
I’ve always believed that real confidence is willing to be wrong.
When we’re wrong, it gives us an opportunity to learn to grow to figure out what is right.
If we avoid the problem or refuse to admit its existence, though, it shuts us off to any hope of actually fixing it.
5: Confidence is okay with losing sometimes.
Ironically, many people think that being confident means they always have to be perfect. They project an image of “always winning” because they’re simply too good to lose.
This is especially true on social media. Entrepreneurs who never show their losses, or failures, or businesses that shut down along their way to success.
GaryVee is a great example of this. I’ve grown into a much larger fan of his in recent months as he’s posted a lot more heartfelt and meaningful content. Guiding his fans, giving them real and actionable advice, and sometimes sharing emotional moments rooted in deep connection.
Gary openly discusses all of the businesses and brands that he’s started which have failed. He tells 35 year olds that they’re still babies and have plenty of time to fail, try again, and succeed.
The truth about confidence is that it faces failure and rejection head-on and then plows right through it.
It may take a moment to feel bad for itself, but then it searches for the lesson, applies it, and moves forward.
6: Confidence doesn’t tell you that it’s confident.
Have you ever been on a date with someone who just will not stop talking about how great they are?
They’re name-dropping famous friends, bragging about the square footage of their house, or making sure to leave their Lamborghini key sitting right on the table in front of you.
While I do believe we should express pride in our accomplishments, it’s all about how it’s done.
Real confidence doesn’t need to remind you of its existence every two seconds. It’s something you feel from someone. It’s a calmness, a certainty, a peace that they carry themselves with.
It’s not lunging forward and spewing every great thing they’ve ever done to you. It’s sitting back, making eye contact, and wanting to hear about how great you are.
Real confidence doesn’t need to prove itself because as we’ve discussed earlier it already has.
7: Confidence is a choice.
An uncomfortable truth, but a truth nonetheless.
I’ve spoken repeatedly about my struggles with confidence growing up. I was a very late bloomer both personally and professionally, facing many challenges with dating, social acceptance, body image, and success.
and I used to look at people who were cooler, better looking, more successful than me and feel bad for myself.
Why couldn’t I have been given this magical gift of confidence that these people were clearly bestowed with from some magical being?
As I got older, I realized a few things:
Confidence is not absolute:
Even the most confident people can have bouts of self-doubt. It’s natural to waver and experience peaks and valleys.
Confidence comes from WORK:
As I mentioned earlier, REAL confidence (not the delusional kind) is a result of putting in the effort to build it. When I realized this, I stopped being jealous of people, and started being inspired by them. I asked what they were doing that I wasn’t doing — and when I began implementing better strategies, I had better results.
Confidence doesn’t self-pity:
Feeling bad for myself was getting me nowhere. It wasn’t drawing people or opportunities to me. I needed to make a decision to change my identity, self-talk, and personal narrative to one that was more empowering and proactive. That made all the difference.
8: Confidence isn’t something you do, it’s something you ARE.
Every private client I’ve ever had has heard me say the words “Identity and purpose” a million times.
A confident person is just that — a confident person. It’s a statement rooted in identity, describing part of someone’s makeup. We don’t say “That person is doing confidence!”
Confidence becomes rooted in your very being when you absorb it into yourself. It is a puzzle piece that helps complete the picture.
Sure, it can get worn down, or broken, or even (seemingly) disappear at times. This is all natural and it’s part of the human experience.
The key, though, is not to be discouraged by the peaks and valleys, but to look at them all as opportunities to strengthen, reinforce, or rebuild our confidence in new areas and in new ways.
That’s the beauty of creating a statement of identity around confidence — it ensures that it will always be part of you.
When you “are a confident person,” lacking confidence feels unnatural. It’s a signal that something is wrong, and needs to be changed. In order to maintain your identity and restore the natural order of things, you’ll take action to build it anew.
And when you are feeling the calm and peaceful sense of confidence you’ve worked so hard to build, you’ll be in full alignment with your truest self.
The win/win of this is:
Nothing is more attractive than that.
And,
You’ll be fully happy with yourself, regardless of who is or isn’t attracted to you.
That is the ultimate victory.
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