It doesn’t happen that often but when it does, I’m annoyed and irritated. I’m reminded of why the men in my life have only let me down, why I’m divorced, and why I don’t need a partner.
My masculine energy comes raging out, and I say to hell with all men. I’m an independent, thriving woman bubbling over with self-love. I’m doing just fine.
But that’s a little white lie — because the feminine energy wants to come out too.
It stems from my father and my ex-husband. Even previous leaders I’ve had to work for that were completely arrogant at their best. Because I’ve been in a leadership role myself, I know I can fill those shoes and fill them well.
Yes, I’m getting a little arrogant here — but let me have my moment.
Triggers will come out of nowhere. Things are fine, going well, I’m excited about what it means to fall in love again, and then, hold on…
Nope, I change my mind.
Jack and Jill just broke up. Tom and Nancy are getting divorced. John cheated on Jane, again. Mary decided she wanted to be promiscuous while Larry at home, alone, cared for their newborn baby.
Not real names of those I know, but the idea is — I hear about another tragic love story and think— whew, glad it’s not me. Been there done that.
Or the new guy I’m texting turns out to be a douche. The one guy I’m into only wants sex. The other guy I want to love does not want to love me back. My ex-husband has tainted my views on partnership and marriage. I will never look at it the same way again.
And I tell myself — you can’t jump ship on an idea just because some asshat did or said something that’s opposite of what you envision. Don’t let them ruin it for the person that’s supposed to love you.
Let me say that again, don’t let them ruin it for the person that’s supposed to love you.
Every once in a blue moon, I’m reminded of my ex-husband and his tendencies. I’m reminded of why we divorced. And sometimes I’m triggered, but mostly in a good way. It gets me fired up to do better and know better. I once put him on a pedestal and let him take the lead in my life.
What felt like him leading me to a dead-end was actually freedom. My opportunity to break down those walls and free me from our toxic situation.
Now and again, I’m resentful of my relationship with my father. Why don’t we have a closer bond? Why didn’t he teach me how a man should treat a woman? Why do I feel like even he doesn’t love me?
Truth is, I know deep down he does. But as with my ex-husband, it’s the kind of love that’s distant, hurtful, and disconnected.
In many ways, I’m comfortable in a dead-end relationship. It’s what I’ve known. It’s what I can handle. What would I do with myself should I find someone that’s safe, secure, and reliable?
Why does that even sound scarier?
But even still, amid all the emotions of being guarded and closed off, I tell myself don’t hold back for the person that is right. Don’t let the one that gave you away be the reason you are still lost and wandering in the world of romance.
The person that is supposed to love you, wants to love you. They choose you. Every single day. They are the gatekeeper to your heart. The guardian to your soul. The one you can rely on and without a doubt you know they are the love you choose as well.
And so, every day seems a little bit different. Some days I mind my own business, doing what I love; writing and sleeping. On other days I’m curious. I downloaded a dating app but I have yet to sign up. It’s hanging out on my phone, waiting for me to take the next step.
But I hope that you too, wherever you are on your journey of love lost and looking to be found — that you remember to give someone else a fighting chance. Don’t let one person ruin the possibilities that could unfold.
Others may not have the right idea about you but someone out there does.
If we deny love that is given to us, if we refuse to give love because we fear pain or loss, then our lives will be empty, our loss greater — Unknown
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